Journal – Chapter Two: Anxiety

So what is anxiety?

  • Google Definition: A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
  • My Definition: A huge pain in the ass

Today I felt it. I felt the flutter of my heart. I felt the quickness of my breath. I felt sick.

Why?

Because I need to make an appointment to get my hair dyed. The awkward silences, the waiting, and worst of all… the small talk *shudder*.

Don’t get me wrong – I am a very friendly person. I smile to strangers and ask how they are doing. I have no problem calling people whether it’s for work or ordering a pizza. I love long conversations with people I have known for a while. But the thought of sitting in a chair for hours and constantly worrying is enough to make me vomit.

Me: Are they going to talk to me? Should I say something? But I don’t want them to talk to me. Make eye contact so you don’t look like an asshole. Okay, now you look like a creeper. Now you have to say something. “So, this weather, huh? I hope it clears up soon.” Oh my God you’re an idiot. All they did was laugh. What does that mean? Was it a dumb comment? Does this person think I’m an idiot? I can never come back here.

Now – mind you; this is just the inner monologue I picture having before I even make the appointment. 97.66% percent of the time I cancel plans it’s because of my anxiety (totally made up number by the way).

What causes my anxiety?

  • Thinking about going to a crowded place
    • Like – a restaurant, movie theater, store, party, bar, etc.
  • Remembering someone is mad at me
  • Thinking I did/said something stupid
  • Driving somewhere I have never been before
  • Remembering that I have plans
  • Thinking about my anxiety
  • Etc.

What am I going to do about it? Nothing. I’m not going to get prescription medication. I’m not going to speak to a doctor. Not that there is anything wrong with either of those things – I just feel like those would cause me even more anxiety in the long run. I’m going to embrace my anxiety, because it’s part of me.

Here’s the thing:

  • Everyone gets anxiety sometimes – it’s a common thing that everyone deals with.
  • Without my anxiety I would have made the dumbest decisions
    • Especially while I was online dating… but that’s another post
  • Once I get to a party (or whatever) I’m totally fine. In fact – I usually have a ton of fun
  • If someone is mad at me or I did say something stupid – that’s life. Either the friend, family member, stranger, etc. forgives me or they stop talking to me. That person was just not meant to be in my life.
  • I have met the most amazing people by just putting myself out there.
  • I’m also friendly, funny, lovely, etc.

So yeah. I am anxious – but I’m hundreds of other things too.

My anxiety does not define me.

 

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