Hi friend –
It’s me, again. What you’re about to see is a letter that I had written to myself. This is personal. You may think it’s a little silly, but writing this got a lot of emotions out and actually did help me. I’m sharing this with you because maybe it’ll help you to do the same thing if you’re going through a similar situation.
Give it a go.
Here it is:
“Hi you –
I’m moving on and I’m grown. I need to let go of you and I’m not exactly sure how to do that. So, I’m just going to start with a letter.
There was a time when you were a teenager that you hated yourself. That the constant bickering and name calling were eating away at your soul. You stood naked in front of the mirror and pointed out everything that was wrong with you. You cried as you named the body parts that disgusted you. You ended up taking a pair of scissors and chopping at your own hair because you thought it was ugly. You ended up with some kind of awkward mullet that your grandma had to come fix and make into something presentable.
But that wasn’t the beginning of it. From a young age, you didn’t feel like anyone cared or that anyone understood you. He wasn’t around and she worked nights so you had to stay out of the house during the day. Your friends stopped talking to you and you couldn’t understand why. When you asked, they walked away. You withdrew.
In the summer after the first year of middle school you stayed at home because you didn’t really have anyone. You started eating all the time. It started out during the day. Then you’d wake up in the middle of the night and sneak down the kitchen and eat more and more. You ended up gaining 50 pounds by the time 7th grade started. That’s when they started calling you names.
It was slight at first. Then the names grew louder and meaner as your pant size grew. These weren’t just from your peers, but your family. Asking why you were getting chunky and how you were going to deal with it. They thought that was helping, but you only wanted to eat more.
Then, that boy wrote you that letter. He asked you to be his girlfriend and said that he really liked you. He asked you to check if you liked him and you did. When you passed the note back to him, you could hear him and his friends laughing at you. Laughing about you. Again, you withdrew.
But, suddenly, you started gaining a couple of friends. Mostly from elementary school days and things got better for awhile. Until you ended up going to a different high school than your best friend. This school was not like the rest to you. You started to notice boys more than before. You were quiet and weird so boys did not like you. One boy went so far as to tell your friend that you were “ugly”.
So you changed schools to your friends school and again, things got better – for a while. Until 10th grade. You had gained even more weight over the summer and people noticed. You started to feel it. Again, you withdrew.
You told them that you wanted to see a counselor, but they told you that you were being dramatic. That was the first night that you made yourself throw up. You lost a little bit of weight and said it was all thanks to to new vegetarian diet you were on and your dance class. Despite feeling constantly nauseous and like you were going to pass out – you started to get happy again. So you stopped, and you gained all the weight and some back.
During senior year, you made some amazing friends, but you were still unhappy. You hid this behind smiles and humor. Until the day you graduated, you were miserable. Nervous about what comments awaited you in the halls everyday.
Then you went into hiding. You didn’t leave your room. You didn’t talk to hardly anyone. You left your room seldom other than the babysitting gigs you got.
At 20 you moved out of state. But, you were still damaged. You got a job and met some more amazing people, but you weren’t happy. You hid it again with smiles and humor. You begged him to let you come back to your home state and stay with him because you could feel it creeping up again, but he said no. For the last time, you withdrew.
Then you moved back. You met the most amazing soul. You were back with your family. You met more amazing people. You could feel yourself coming out of your shell. You could feel real happiness coming to your smile. You could feel real laughter in your heart.
And here we are to me. I’m happy, really truly happy, but I do keep thinking about you. I keep thinking about what you went through. I keep thinking about how it felt. I know you went through more things than I can write in this letter. I know you are sad and that you still feel like you’re all alone, but I can’t think about you anymore. I have to let go.
I’m not saying that I’m not going to look back on the past and remember you. I’m just going to know that those things happened to you and not to me. That all those things are in the past and they can’t touch me.
I am beautiful. I am confident. I am amazing. I am smart. I am silly. I am a good friend. I am a good wife. My past does not define me.